So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize