More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
