I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
