The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
