Your dad touched me again.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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