Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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