first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
