I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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