i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
