Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
