i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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