All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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