the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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