wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
