I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
