She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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