I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
