this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
