My sheets look like a crime scene.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
