I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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