piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
