My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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