Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
