I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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