i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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