I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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