No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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