I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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