One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
