I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
