Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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