I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i drank out of a bidet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
