omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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