I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
