if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize