I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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