thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize