I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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