I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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