My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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