fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
