Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
