I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
