god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
whose parrot is this?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
