Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
