why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize