I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
