Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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