I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
