her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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