we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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