You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
