How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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