just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
