My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
