is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
