took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
