I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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