I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
