Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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