I'm so fucking centered right now
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
