I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
