Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
