Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
