i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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