Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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