she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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