Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
